How The Crab Stole Christmas

Down in the town of Mistletoe, in the Lazy Plains district of Socilia, all of the residents, the Garlanders really really liked Christmas - they liked it a LOT! But if you climbed the mountain at the base of the town, climbed it all the way to the top peak, the Eagle’s Watch, you would find a small house of a man who did not.

Up high on the mountain, the mountain named Scone, which ended on Eagle’s Peak, lived a man named the Crab. As for his real name, no one knew (and very few cared). He had lived for generations, always angry and plotting, despising and cursing the Christmas holiday. He hated Christmas with every ounce of his heart.

Why? Well, no one knew quite why, though theories abounded. Some were absurd, but others more close to the matter at heart. Some of the theories were:

• His necktie and socks were on way too tight and this made his body sore and him mad that he couldn’t go down and buy new socks.

• He had been dropped on his head on Christmas day

• Mad that he had never gotten the present, the SoulSucker2000 that he had wanted when he was six

• Maybe his heart was screwed on a few times too tight

But the most popular theory, without a doubt, was that maybe, just maybe, his heart was a little too small - maybe three sizes too small.

But the Crab, the old grump, lived alone in his house with only his dog, Saxaphone, named after his favorite music (he loved Saxaphone music because no one else in the whole land of Socilia could stand it one bit. Not even Vicky or Ted or PetersonBick). Though he only ever called him “Sax” in his grumpy old tone - he was too busy to call him anything else, too grumpy to care about what his dog might think and too old and too stubborn to try and change.

So every year for the last quite a dozen he had peered down with his spectacles to look at the spectacle of people celebrating Christmas, and eating good food (the favorite of course, being GarHash, a specialty the old Crab couldn’t stand - it tasted like Christmas, wrapped in a can.)

He had never done anything, nothing at all. He hadn’t ever had a plan good enough to succeed without him going to jail for harming an old man with a big beard and a sack full of toys. He hated Santa - maybe more than he should.

So the old Crab watched and watched, growing more in despair as the countdown to Christmas began and then shortened more and more as the hours went by. There were only 6 days, 4 hours and sixteen minutes until Christmas. It was a disaster, a horror. But what could he do?

Then he got an idea, an awful idea. A horribly awful, evil, horrible idea. An evil idea! He would stop Christmas once and for all. What was the idea? Your guess is as good as mine. He wasn’t telling. Why would he? We’d just stop it. But read on and we shall discover, what his plan was to destroy Christmas this year.

Part 2: To Ruin A Christmas Day

He called out to his dog Sax in his grumpy old, cruel voice. “Sax!” he called out. “Sax. Where are you, you daft dog?” Sax was under the Crab’s bed, hiding with fear. He knew what this voice meant. The Crab had a plan, and was going to use Sax to do all the hard work and that was that.

The Crab searched the house, top to bottom. He finally found Sax under the bed and pulled the dog out by the tip of his tail. The Crab put Sax to work, making his suit. It was actually an impressive thing to see. A dog running a sewing machine? He had him make him a suit with red fabric and stuffing from Sax’s doggy bed to make the decorations and a Santa hat and beard.

He was going to be Santa this year! Though, he muttered as he looked for his sleigh, a RedRider 1945 Classic in red, he wouldn’t be a nice Santa, the one that kids loved. He would be a bad Santa like in the movie - oh what was it called? Bad Santa? No, that name had no meaning, no thoughts, nothing on him he thought with a laugh - and steal the presents Nice Santa brought, leaving in it’s place new treats and new toys sure to dismay.

He went to the town neighboring Mistletoe, which was called Thistletoe (due to a sad mistake at the office of the registrar. The town was supposed to be named Garland, and the town citizens Mistlers but now, twenty years later, no one cared enough to change it, and the Crab liked the name just fine. No holiday name here. Though, he reflected, they did celebrate Christmas too much, though not as much as Mistletoe). Going into the local general store, Adam’s Wonderfully Awesome One Stop Reasonably Priced Emporium a mouthful that, when the Crab said it came out as the Cheap One Stop Shop (a naming method not approved by Adam) he went up to the clerk.

“Ok, buddy” he told the clerk, whose nametag identified him as Adam, owner and general manager (specialized manager was someone else). The clerk looked at him. “For the last time, we do not sell Anti-Sound Machines, no matter how much you offer me to stock them.” The Crabby old Crab rolled his eyes.

“I don’t care about that. What I want is all your flashcards, and all your organic raisins and figs. Oh, and all of your boring books of encyclopedias, especially Encyclopedia Boredom, and your worst holiday specials, like The Heavily Medicated OCD Santa Claus and my favorite, Mommy, Why Is This Strange Man Burglarizing Our Home? Oh, and some pamphlets from Scientology and Jehovah’s Witnesses.”

Adam looked at him. “We don’t sell that kind of stuff. I didn’t even know that those Christmas specials existed. They sound horrible.” He brightened. “We do have the snacks and flash cards though. For them all, one thousand dollars.”

The Crab laughed with a deep, raspy below. “It’s Christmas, you jerk. Can’t you give me a deal. Adam looked at him, trying to figure out why the Crab was suddenly playing the Christmas card.

“If you sign up for our credit card we can give you a one time fifty percent discount, upon credit approval.” He smiled, and held up the card. “You can have it right now, make no payments until after Christmas.”

The Crab took the card. “I’ll fill the application online. Now, what is the total?”

“Five hundred” Adam declared. The Crab grumbled, but he payed up. Boy, would those Mistletoes be surprised on Christmas night. He went back to his house on the top of the hill, high on Eagle’s Peak and ordered the rest using 5 hour shipping from Nileon.com.

Part 3: Christmas Eve (& It's Just Beginning!)

Christmas Eve had arrived. Everything - almost everything - was ready.

He laughed as he put a bunch of bags in his sled and called to Sax, who was again hiding under the bed. This time the Crab, with his great Crabby Smile caught Sax much more quickly than ever before and tied him up to the sleigh. (I mean, its one thing to hide, but always in the same place. Sax was too learn in the future to vary his hiding places!)

Suddenly he realized, he needed a reindeer. But reindeer were hard to find in these parts. They lived further north, in the Kingdom of Snow. So he took some antlers from a hunting trophy from long ago and sawed off some knobs like a woodsman, insane. With some red string he tied the antlers to Sax’s head and away they went, down Mount Scone and down to the town.

It was night when they arrived, the night before Christmas. Santa had delivered, that he could see. Nothing was open, no one did stir. A perfect time to go Grinching this year!

He went door to door, house to house for an hour or two, then got to the house in the middle of the street. It was an ordinary Mistletoe house, full of holiday cheer. He climbed up to the roof with a ladder and went down the chimney - getting stuck not at all for he was way too skinny.

He popped out the bottom, all covered in soot. He coughed once, but quietly, as to not alert the little Garlanders (the GarWhos?, as he liked to say). He slithered up to the Christmas tree, and placed down a speaker.

He rummaged around in his little coat, and pulled out an iPod, all bent and beat up. Pressing play, he turned the volume down low and began to sneak.

He sneaked the garlands, the mistletoe and the decorations down. All but the tree. As the biggest, it would go last. As You’re A Mean One played in the background, down low, he snuck in the kitchen and opened the fridge.

A blast of cool air meeted him there, but he scoffed and he laughed, and then he hacked a small cough. The air was not good for his sinuses. No way.

He unplugged the fridge, and while he waited for it to warm up, he went to the pantry and the cupboards. He took out the meat, the cans and the snacks. The fruit and the snackies were next to go. He was taking everything. Even the speck of cheese on the mousetrap, unset, for the mouse on this fine Christmas night.

Finally the fridge was warm enough, and he stuffed the contents - all but one - into his bags and threw them into the living room. He plugged back the fridge and laughed with delight as he re-stocked the fridge with healthy delights.

In place of candy and holiday treats, now there were raisins and organic dried peaches. Then, in the corner of his eye, he noticed a can he hadn’t before. With a grimace and a moan, he reached in and grabbed the last can of GarHash! He grimaced and stuck out his tongue. He hated that stuff. Every bit, with every bone!

The can’s label proudly declared Tastes Like The Holiday - Every Bit, Every Bite! With some disgust, he turned around the can and read the ingredients. Holiday was one word to describe the seventy-nine ingredients that helped delight the food.

He tossed it in the trash with a great grinchy grin and returned to the living room. He popped the bags up the chimney, and now nothing was left except for the Crab, the tree and some wires on the walls where decorations once hung.

As he prepared to stuff the tree up, he heard a sound - just a little - and turned around to look. The Crab’s face looked shocked as he saw a GarWho? come in. She was little, tiny, small even. Her hair was bright gold and her eyes bright blue (Siamese cat if you want to be picky, do you?) Her eyes were sleepy, and she had in her hand a very small glass.

She yawned and opened her eyes wide. She saw nothing but the Crab and the Christmas tree. “Santy Claus, why are you taking our Christmas tree, why?”

The Crab looked around. What could he do? This girl had found him, oh dear! He smiled and quickly racked his brain. But being a Crab, an idea popped in. He smiled with his best non-grinchy Santa smile and looked at the girl who came closer.

“Well, Vicky Lou Who” he said with a start, guessing that the name he had read on a present was indeed what this girl’s name was, “this tree has a defect! A light doesn’t work on one side!”

She looked at him. “How do you know my name” she asked, puzzled.

“I’m Santa Claus” he declared, laughing a lot. “I KNOW everything! Every bit, every bunch!”

She smiled content and looked at the Crab. He continued. “I’m going to take it to my workshop, and fix it up quick. Then I shall return it to you lickety split!” The girl held out her hand and the Crab grumbled and filled it fast.

He filled it with water and she toddled to bed. He wiped his brow and up the tree went! He placed a few flashcards, of the math and history kind, not entirely accurate, but he liked them none the less. (like Q: Who Went Bananas? A: The Whole World)

He followed it, grumbling mightily about the stiff in his back but go out and up to the roof fairly fast, not quite lickety split.

He now had everything. All the presents and toys. All the decorations, orations and everything else. He smiled as he placed the last bags on his sleigh and whipped up old Sax to start up the hill.

Slowly they climbed the hill. Around seven, the Crab stopped to look. He could still see Mistletoe, though it was now smaller than him. They were away, but not that far. He strained his ear to hear anything, the boos and the hoos that would be coming his way.

He sat down to listen, his coat in the snow, and waited and waited to hear the sound he so desired.

But the sound that did come was different than that. Instead of the boos and the hoos and the whines, the sound he heard was of a different kind.

There was singing and laughter as the village square grew and the Crab leaned against the sleigh, puzzled. Why were they making these happy sounds? This Christmas wasn’t one to be glad, it was to be sad.

INTERMISSION BEGINS

INTERMISSION NOW ENDS

As he leaned there and thought, a great frown forming the sleigh rocked back and began falling. With superhuman strength, or maybe some pills, he pulled the sleigh back and Sax with it too.

As he did, something inside changed. He just knew.

His once tiny heart, with no room to spare, grew 2.5 sizes. It made no difference. His heart was still too small. Where once it was tiny, it had grown, but there was still 0.5 sizes to grow into. He was a 2. Now he was a 4.5, but to truly be different, he needed a 5. But what would provide this last change of heart?’

Sax safely on the ground came around, antlers still on his head. He went to his master, the old grinchy Crab and liked him on the face like only a dog knew how. That one little action, never done before, was enough to push the Crab’s heart to the boundaries it did know.

His heart now enlarged, he came to his senses. He saw the GarWhos singing and he jumped on his sled. He played his tuba as he went down the hill, Sax beside him, resting for once in his long, weary life and to Mistletoe they went.

They got to Mistletoe with no time to spare, and they got there in time to hear the end of the song. The Crab threw all the stuff to the happy GarWhos and they sang and they laughed as they got there stuff back.

Part 4: The End, and all That

That night there was laughter in the community center as they feasted on all kinds of food, food like GarHash and turkey, and even fruit, vegetables, cranberry sauce, and yes, the Crab’s raisins and dried peach slices.

And the grumpy old Crab, grumpy no more, was the man of the hour. He cut the roast turkey and the roast beef: the highest GarHonour that could be bestowed. And they ate and they laughed and they listened to songs.

Merry Christmas!

It was Christmas time, and the Crab was finally at home.

#adam #vicky #sophie