The Ballad of Arachne

The following Ballad was first performed in 436AD by the Imperial Roman Battalian #256. We have adapted it to a modern audience. We hope you enjoy it.

Cast:

Vicky as Arachne

Jennifer as the Judge

Stefani as Stefathena

Peter as random townsperson named Peter

Adam as Narrator

[Curtains Open]

Adam: It was a long time ago, so long ago that everyone involved, and all of their grandchildren, and great grandchildren, and even their great grandchildren have all died. Here is the story of Arachne.

[Classical music plays.]

Adam: It was many years ago. In the small town of Olympus, Ancient Greece, there lived a young lady named Arachne S. Pider. A very talented weaver, Arachne was also boastful. Let's here a typical day in the village now.

Arachne: Good morning, Peter.

Peter: Good morning, Arachne. How are you doing today?

Arachne: I am doing wonderful! I just finished another weaving, and let me say, not to toot my own horn, that it is amazing!

Peter [sighing]: Oh, wonderful. Just don’t let Stefathena hear that. You know what would happen then.

Arachne [putting her hand on her hip]: Oh, posh. Let Stefathena hear for all I care. I don’t care what that bleached hair goddess hears or thinks.

Peter [raising eyebrows]: Brave words.

Adam: As if Arachne had tempted fate, the goddess Stefathena suddenly appeared. Goddess of wisdom, war and house crafts, she was powerful, beautiful and quite grumpy at the moment.

Stefathena: What do you mean by saying that you don’t care what I hear? Do you have anything else you want to tell me?

Arachne [insolently]: Actually, I do.

Peter [panicking]: Arachne! You don’t want to do this.

Arachne: Shh. I want to tell you that you can’t really weave. I, however, can weave like five times better than you. So there!

Stefathena: Foolish mortal!

Arachne: That’s what I say!e.

Stefathena: Is that what you say?

Arachne: Oui, our omnipotent overlord.

Stefathena: Fine then. We shall see how can weave better.

Arachne: Let it be done.

Adam: The date was set. Later that very day, they met in Arachne’s house. Arachne prepared her loom, and Stefathena summoned hers from her home on Mount Olympus. Then they sat down, and over the next day, only stopping for a light snack at midday, they weaved. Finally, on the dawn of the next day, they stopped.

Arachne: Well, that was tiring. Too bad you’ll never win Stef!

Stefathena [gasping]: First, do not call me Stef. I am STEFATHENA, a goddess! Next, I shall win. Only a fool couldn’t see that mine is better than yours.

Arachne: Then call you a fool, and know that it is much better!

Adam: So they called in a judge named Jennifer. Hey, that’s funny. Judging Judge Jennifer Judged. Anyways, they called her in the morning, at 9 am, and she went in, judging. Of course, they didn’t tell her whose was whose.

Jennifer: Humm, this is hard. On one hand, you have the battle of Titans vs the Gods. As I move, it almost seems to follow me, showing different scenes. On the other, you have this beautiful weaving of the gods of Olympus, on their golden thrones. And they seem to catch the sunlight. This is SO hard.

[Later that Day]

Adam: Finally, the Judging Judge Jennifer finished her judgement and came out to announce the results. She stood up and looked at Stefathena. “And I have Zeus’s word that I won’t be harmed?”

Stefathena: Sure, sure. I’m sure you do.

Jennifer: No. I need his word.

Stefathena [calling upwards]: Dad, can you promise this Judge Jennifer?

Adam: A bolt of lightning flashed in the sky, followed by a thunder clap. Stefathena nodded her head.

Stefathena: Thanks dad! He says you have his immortal protection.

Jennifer [looking relieved]: The winning weaver who weaved weaving 2 is whoever weaved this weaving.

Adam: She held up the weaving of the gods of Olympus. Arachne burst into tears – of joy. Stefathena crinkled her nose and frowned. Jennifer smiled a big Cheshire grin. A nervous nelly Cheshire grin. But Jennifer was safe. She had nothing to worry about. On the other hand, Arachne did.

Stefathena: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! You think you’re so good, Arachne. Do you? You aren’t. You aren’t special. I am special. I am a god. You are a peasant. Ugh!

Arachne: A peasant that beat you. That makes me Super Peasant, God Destroyer.

Stefathena [angry]: You dare make fun of gods? Well, you’ll pay for that.

Arachne [vainly]: Really? You dare fight Super Peasant, God Destroyer?

Stefathena [shrieking with anger]: Why you – ugh!!!!!!!!

Adam: Poor Arachne should have kept her mouth shut. For Stefathena had been scorned one too many times. Waving her arms, she turned poor Arachne into a horrible creature. A spider.

Stefathena: You shall serve as a warning for all time, Arachne. You and your descendants. I’m not cruel, however. I shall allow you to continue weaving, but with your spider silk, from your whatever that body organ is called. But only in white and never wonderfully again. You shall only weave nets.

Adam [as some ukulele music plays]: So this was the cautionary tale of Arachne, the former world weaver, and the now spider. So just remember next time that you claim that you are something amazing, and better than all, look out for the ones who are better – and can punish you for lying.

And, of course, Scorned Stefathena Skulks, Slinging Spells.

[Curtains Close]

#plays #vicky #stefani #jennifer #adam #peter #myths